Bite your tongue.

both of us

It seems like almost every parent I know (including me) talks about his or her kids at least half the time. So cumulatively, we have a lot to say about our progeny. And we’re all just trying to get along here, and nobody’s judging anybody else (right?) and we’re doing the best we can. But I swear, there are some things that other parents say to me that instantly send me into a spiral of doubt, guilt, regret, frustration, shame or just plain old irritation.

I promise, if you’re a parent, you’ve probably done this to someone, and it might have been me. If I know you, it’s definitely possible that I might have done it to you. I can think of at least three obnoxious things that I talk about regularly. I always preface them with “I know this is obnoxious, but…” as if that’s going to make it somehow less obnoxious. I’m sure it doesn’t. Sorry about that. I’ll try to stop.

I assume that we all have different things that drive us nuts. While I’m thinking of it, here’s a partial list of mine.

Things other parents say that make my skin prickle:

1) I only make one dinner, and my kid either eats it or goes to bed hungry.

2) Mine does the laundry weekly.

3) He slept through the night for the first time at two months and has never woken up since.

4) All organic. No sugar. Ever.

5) My darling child has never seen a t.v. and we don’t believe in toys. It’s all imagination all the time.

6) He wakes up at a decent hour, makes his bed, gets dressed, comes downstairs and makes his own breakfast. Daily.

7) She took her own training wheels off at 2 years old and is now starring in Cirque du Soleil.

8) My kid had his last tantrum four years ago when he was seven months old. He just doesn’t really cry now.

9) I don’t want day care teachers raising my kids for me.

10) He’s just high-spirited.

If you’re looking for an opportunity to neutralize comments like the ones above, feel free to choose any of the ones below.

Things other parents say that make me happy to know that we’re all in the same boat:

1) I haven’t slept through the night since 2007.

2) We eat organic, except for the neon yellow mac and cheese that my kid is obsessed with.

3) I can’t sleep in my bed because it’s covered with clean laundry that I don’t feel like putting away.

4) A half hour of t.v. won’t kill them.

5) My kid is perfect, there’s no way around it. And now, let me pour you a drink.

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